Public Outrage! Brighton Declares Makeup Free Zones

Certain parts of Brighton are to be declared as makeup free zones as a protest against cosmetic products.

The law, which was speared headed by a group of radically unattractive women, states that there will be a ban on people wearing makeup in certain parts of Brighton during certain times in the day.

A representative of the Foundation Against Foundation (FAF) group, said:

“We should all look natural. We were made this way and we should stay this way.”

Surprisingly, the council have given a small sum of money to start the project which is expected to come into effect from Friday. It is expected to be ignored shortly after.

The people behind the movement are, largely, very unattractive women who appear to think they have the right to tell people that they shouldn't wear makeup. In a strange new development, unattractive women with low self-confidence appear to have been given authority to tell people how they should look. Before now, it was commonly thought that women who have confidence issued would want to support each other. Instead, they will be handing out “cutting eyes” and “screwing them out.”

The prohibition does not exclude men. They will be treated with scowling stares and may even be subject to ‘sly comments’ if they are caught wearing makeup.

The zones and time restrictions will only be available in the FAF newsletter, which is not being displayed anywhere relevant. 

The general public are being advised that if they see any unattractive people staring at them, to simply apply more makeup and give them a hug, until the makeup starts to rub off on them.  

“Rollin' Into Retirement"

Brighton has been voted as ‘the town in the UK where a middle aged man is most likely to take up rollerblading.'

News broke yesterday of Brighton receiving the award from Mid-Lifestyle Magazine, a publication that started yesterday with this being it’s only article.

The Vice Mayor of Hove, Jacqueline Fillcross, was the only person available for comment at such short notice and, in a confusing statement, she said:

“This is a thrilling accolade and one which we are proud to show off.”

Someone not in welcoming the news is Stuart Waddington, owner of Skate-Away in Brighton , who is white with dreadlocks, saying that his key demographic of 14-18 year old boys will now be put off buying news skates if they think their Dad will want to “shred some concrete” with them.

However sales for rollerblades in the over 40’s are expected to rocket by 1.4% over the next year. The same percentage rise is expected in hospital admissions for injuries caused by rollerblading in men over 40.

Putting Brighton in Perfume Bottle

Brighton and Hove is set to become the first town or geographical location to launch its own fragrance.

It was announced today that Brighton and Hove will launch their own fragrance. Scientists at the 

Institute of Scented Research (ISR) in Brighton have been set the task of creating the fragrance that is expected to ready for sale in Autumn 2018, once all of the non-animal testing has taken place.

The fragrance itself will be unisex, available to everyone on the gender spectrum. Following on from a poll of the most identifiable scents of Brighton, the top five results are below:

5) The Lemon Bus

4) Student Loan

3) Chips

2) Beach BBQ’s

1) Sea Mist

It has been funded by Brighton and Hove council and has projected sales somewhere between Kim Kardashian’s Glam and Dora the Explorer's Eau de Toilette with all revenue from sales going back to the council.

This latest move may be the council’s attempt to come up smelling of roses after the incident at Hove Park but it seems to be doing the trick. Brighton has been in a frenzy with interest in the fragrance and there is yet to be an official name given to the fragrance yet. The name is expected to be revealed over the coming weeks.

Hove Park Smell Leaves Residents Whiffed Off

Residents are confused and experts are in disagreement at the smell that is lingering over Hove Park.

If you go down to Hove Park today, you’ll be sure of a big surprise. A strange smell is lingering in the air leading scientists to believe there may be something buried under the grass. Other experts have hypothesised that there may have been a leak from an under ground sewage pipe that has seeped into the small section of the park under the grass surface.

If there is a leak, expert have said that the damage to the environment would be very minimal.

“At worst, a few worms and slugs may perish,” said Mark Farley from the Nature Prevention Department at Sussex University.

Fortunately, because of the cold weather, the smell is not being made worse by any humidity in the air. However, homeowners trying to sell properties in the area at present are having to insist that the smell is only temporary and not a permanent feature of living in the area.

Residents have been complaining of the smell for the past few days but it has now risen to fever pitch and suspicion is rife in the air, along with the smell. Residents have been using the hashtag #Hoveparksmellslike and posting their thoughts.

The response goes to show, it’s all fun and games until people get bored of the hashtag.

Are Brighton Gritter Lorries Made of the Right Stuff?

With bad snow expected, Brighton and Hove gritter lorries are having to use table salt to cope with the mass gritting needed over the coming weeks.

It has been revealed that Brighton and Hove are now insufficiently stocked with grit after they sold surplus supplies during the summer. The plan was to sell the grit so that East Sussex could spend more money improving children’s sand pits by removing almost all of the dog feces and toe nail clippings left by homeless people.

The move has now backfired as the remaining grit will only cover the Brighton roads once over the expected cold weather period.

Neil Shire from Tactical Weather Prevention Unit has said:

“We have two options, either we gamble on one day where we are most likely to have snow. Or, we combine our current grit with table salt which should give us enough to cover the amount needed for the next week or so. We have gone with the latter.”

He added:

“Fortunately, Morrisons has a deal on table salt at the moment so we are able to budget very effectively.”

Whether the compound formation of grit and salt will actually be effective remains to be seen. Advice to Brighton and Hove residents is to not fall over as it will only rub salt into the wound.

New Digital Face of the Brighton Clock Tower

 Plans to turn central Brighton Clock Tower into a digital display has outraged residents and threatens a local man’s livelihood.

Harry Hoganwash is the resident Clock Tower Configuration Officer for Brighton. He has been in post for 37 years but new plans to change the face of the Clock Tower, in central Brighton, from analogue to digital could leave the 71 year old man jobless.

Mr Hoganwash, who also lives in the Clock Tower, has spoken out saying:

“I’m not up to date with all the modern things – all this digital nonsense. If the council go ahead with their plans I’ll be out of a job and I won’t even be able to tell the blinking time in the town centre.”

In yet another move to cut spending, Brighton and Hove Council plan to replace certain council jobs with computerised equivalents in an attempt to reduce paying out on manual labour. The plans have not gone unchallenged however and campaigners have been active in their outrage although no one was willing to comment.

A member of the Brighton Board of Counsellors had this to say:

“Obviously we do not wish to upset Mr Hoganwash, but in this day and age, those who fall behind the times get left behind.”

“We want to make sure we are up to date with the newest technology and if we can cut costs along the way, everyone will benefit in the long run.”

The fate of the Clock Tower and Mr Hoganwash will be put to a council vote next week. In the meantime, the council have asked people to stop sending letters of complaint containing human waste as they “want to respond to everybody but there is a huge backlog which we are wading through at the present time.”

No More Dice for Kid’s Casino

A nine year old boy has been caught running his own gambling racket at his school.

School boy, Charlie Forester, from Hollingdean, has been temporarily removed from school after he was found to be orchestrating his own betting league at school. The school, St Regents Primary, discovered details of the operation after they sent in a teacher undercover. The teacher, who has asked to remain anonymous, got wind of the lunch time meetings from other pupils who were counting their silver on the desk.

The teacher was told, by the Head of the school, to gain some evidence, so, using a school camera, she secretly documented Charlie and his friends.

Details of exactly how the operation was run are still unclear. It is thought that Charlie would charge an upfront fee of 20 pence per person to play then a percentage yield of the overall pot based on how many players he had at any given table, or section of the playground.

The games that were played were Snap, Five dice (where the highest score wins after each role) and guess the colour of the girls’ pants.

The boy has been removed from the school for one day but will be allowed to re-join his friends again tomorrow. His father, Reverend Gareth Forester, has given a statement on behalf of his son:

 “Charlie is too upset to speak at the present time so we have left him to play with his Action Man. He would like to say that he’s super-duper sorry and that he will never, ever do it again.”

Charlie has been ordered to pay back the money, which is estimated at around £56, to the school who will reinvest it in their after- school Monopoly club.

As well as being excluded for a day, the boy will also undergo 10 minutes a night on the naughty step until further notice.