Public Outrage! Brighton Declares Makeup Free Zones

Certain parts of Brighton are to be declared as makeup free zones as a protest against cosmetic products.

The law, which was speared headed by a group of radically unattractive women, states that there will be a ban on people wearing makeup in certain parts of Brighton during certain times in the day.

A representative of the Foundation Against Foundation (FAF) group, said:

“We should all look natural. We were made this way and we should stay this way.”

Surprisingly, the council have given a small sum of money to start the project which is expected to come into effect from Friday. It is expected to be ignored shortly after.

The people behind the movement are, largely, very unattractive women who appear to think they have the right to tell people that they shouldn't wear makeup. In a strange new development, unattractive women with low self-confidence appear to have been given authority to tell people how they should look. Before now, it was commonly thought that women who have confidence issued would want to support each other. Instead, they will be handing out “cutting eyes” and “screwing them out.”

The prohibition does not exclude men. They will be treated with scowling stares and may even be subject to ‘sly comments’ if they are caught wearing makeup.

The zones and time restrictions will only be available in the FAF newsletter, which is not being displayed anywhere relevant. 

The general public are being advised that if they see any unattractive people staring at them, to simply apply more makeup and give them a hug, until the makeup starts to rub off on them.  

“Rollin' Into Retirement"

Brighton has been voted as ‘the town in the UK where a middle aged man is most likely to take up rollerblading.'

News broke yesterday of Brighton receiving the award from Mid-Lifestyle Magazine, a publication that started yesterday with this being it’s only article.

The Vice Mayor of Hove, Jacqueline Fillcross, was the only person available for comment at such short notice and, in a confusing statement, she said:

“This is a thrilling accolade and one which we are proud to show off.”

Someone not in welcoming the news is Stuart Waddington, owner of Skate-Away in Brighton , who is white with dreadlocks, saying that his key demographic of 14-18 year old boys will now be put off buying news skates if they think their Dad will want to “shred some concrete” with them.

However sales for rollerblades in the over 40’s are expected to rocket by 1.4% over the next year. The same percentage rise is expected in hospital admissions for injuries caused by rollerblading in men over 40.

Putting Brighton in Perfume Bottle

Brighton and Hove is set to become the first town or geographical location to launch its own fragrance.

It was announced today that Brighton and Hove will launch their own fragrance. Scientists at the 

Institute of Scented Research (ISR) in Brighton have been set the task of creating the fragrance that is expected to ready for sale in Autumn 2018, once all of the non-animal testing has taken place.

The fragrance itself will be unisex, available to everyone on the gender spectrum. Following on from a poll of the most identifiable scents of Brighton, the top five results are below:

5) The Lemon Bus

4) Student Loan

3) Chips

2) Beach BBQ’s

1) Sea Mist

It has been funded by Brighton and Hove council and has projected sales somewhere between Kim Kardashian’s Glam and Dora the Explorer's Eau de Toilette with all revenue from sales going back to the council.

This latest move may be the council’s attempt to come up smelling of roses after the incident at Hove Park but it seems to be doing the trick. Brighton has been in a frenzy with interest in the fragrance and there is yet to be an official name given to the fragrance yet. The name is expected to be revealed over the coming weeks.

Hove Park Smell Leaves Residents Whiffed Off

Residents are confused and experts are in disagreement at the smell that is lingering over Hove Park.

If you go down to Hove Park today, you’ll be sure of a big surprise. A strange smell is lingering in the air leading scientists to believe there may be something buried under the grass. Other experts have hypothesised that there may have been a leak from an under ground sewage pipe that has seeped into the small section of the park under the grass surface.

If there is a leak, expert have said that the damage to the environment would be very minimal.

“At worst, a few worms and slugs may perish,” said Mark Farley from the Nature Prevention Department at Sussex University.

Fortunately, because of the cold weather, the smell is not being made worse by any humidity in the air. However, homeowners trying to sell properties in the area at present are having to insist that the smell is only temporary and not a permanent feature of living in the area.

Residents have been complaining of the smell for the past few days but it has now risen to fever pitch and suspicion is rife in the air, along with the smell. Residents have been using the hashtag #Hoveparksmellslike and posting their thoughts.

The response goes to show, it’s all fun and games until people get bored of the hashtag.

Are Brighton Gritter Lorries Made of the Right Stuff?

With bad snow expected, Brighton and Hove gritter lorries are having to use table salt to cope with the mass gritting needed over the coming weeks.

It has been revealed that Brighton and Hove are now insufficiently stocked with grit after they sold surplus supplies during the summer. The plan was to sell the grit so that East Sussex could spend more money improving children’s sand pits by removing almost all of the dog feces and toe nail clippings left by homeless people.

The move has now backfired as the remaining grit will only cover the Brighton roads once over the expected cold weather period.

Neil Shire from Tactical Weather Prevention Unit has said:

“We have two options, either we gamble on one day where we are most likely to have snow. Or, we combine our current grit with table salt which should give us enough to cover the amount needed for the next week or so. We have gone with the latter.”

He added:

“Fortunately, Morrisons has a deal on table salt at the moment so we are able to budget very effectively.”

Whether the compound formation of grit and salt will actually be effective remains to be seen. Advice to Brighton and Hove residents is to not fall over as it will only rub salt into the wound.

New Digital Face of the Brighton Clock Tower

 Plans to turn central Brighton Clock Tower into a digital display has outraged residents and threatens a local man’s livelihood.

Harry Hoganwash is the resident Clock Tower Configuration Officer for Brighton. He has been in post for 37 years but new plans to change the face of the Clock Tower, in central Brighton, from analogue to digital could leave the 71 year old man jobless.

Mr Hoganwash, who also lives in the Clock Tower, has spoken out saying:

“I’m not up to date with all the modern things – all this digital nonsense. If the council go ahead with their plans I’ll be out of a job and I won’t even be able to tell the blinking time in the town centre.”

In yet another move to cut spending, Brighton and Hove Council plan to replace certain council jobs with computerised equivalents in an attempt to reduce paying out on manual labour. The plans have not gone unchallenged however and campaigners have been active in their outrage although no one was willing to comment.

A member of the Brighton Board of Counsellors had this to say:

“Obviously we do not wish to upset Mr Hoganwash, but in this day and age, those who fall behind the times get left behind.”

“We want to make sure we are up to date with the newest technology and if we can cut costs along the way, everyone will benefit in the long run.”

The fate of the Clock Tower and Mr Hoganwash will be put to a council vote next week. In the meantime, the council have asked people to stop sending letters of complaint containing human waste as they “want to respond to everybody but there is a huge backlog which we are wading through at the present time.”

No More Dice for Kid’s Casino

A nine year old boy has been caught running his own gambling racket at his school.

School boy, Charlie Forester, from Hollingdean, has been temporarily removed from school after he was found to be orchestrating his own betting league at school. The school, St Regents Primary, discovered details of the operation after they sent in a teacher undercover. The teacher, who has asked to remain anonymous, got wind of the lunch time meetings from other pupils who were counting their silver on the desk.

The teacher was told, by the Head of the school, to gain some evidence, so, using a school camera, she secretly documented Charlie and his friends.

Details of exactly how the operation was run are still unclear. It is thought that Charlie would charge an upfront fee of 20 pence per person to play then a percentage yield of the overall pot based on how many players he had at any given table, or section of the playground.

The games that were played were Snap, Five dice (where the highest score wins after each role) and guess the colour of the girls’ pants.

The boy has been removed from the school for one day but will be allowed to re-join his friends again tomorrow. His father, Reverend Gareth Forester, has given a statement on behalf of his son:

 “Charlie is too upset to speak at the present time so we have left him to play with his Action Man. He would like to say that he’s super-duper sorry and that he will never, ever do it again.”

Charlie has been ordered to pay back the money, which is estimated at around £56, to the school who will reinvest it in their after- school Monopoly club.

As well as being excluded for a day, the boy will also undergo 10 minutes a night on the naughty step until further notice.

Money for Old Rocks

Radical new bid to raise money for East Sussex sees Brighton offering to sell eighty tons of rock from its pebbled beach.

The Sussex Coast Financial Constabulary have decided, with the blessing of Brighton and Hove Council, to offer up eighty tons of Brighton’s pebbled beach and auction if off on popular internet site, Ebay. The man behind the plot, Gerald Pickle, who has been working with the Sussex Coast Financial Constabulary for seven and a half years, has said that the estimated value is between £20,000 and £24,000. Mr Pickles said:

“You have to remember that some of these rocks will be antique so they hold their value a lot more.”

“East Sussex is in dire need for extra funding. Selling part of the beach is a very logical solution.”

No members of Brighton Council were available for comment, however, the Junior Deputy Receptionist at Brighton Council has said:

“If it gets some money coming in, then I’d be fine with them selling part of the coast… As long as it didn't harm any dogs.”

It is widely agreed that there is no risk to dogs. Unless a dog swallows a rock but this move will actually reduce that risk by reducing the amount of rocks on the beach. However some residents of Brighton and Hove are worried about the flood

defences being compromised. Mr Pickles has responded, saying:

“Any money generated as a result of the sale will be put straight back into flood defences, rest assured.”

The final fate of the pebbles will be ultimately left in the hands of the Ebay users and whether the price is competitive in the current financial climate.

Rockers Band from Brighton

Eastern European rock band told that they are not allowed to perform in Brighton after they refused to pay a parking fine last time they were here.

Rock band, ‘Enflamed and Contagious’ from Belarus, have been told by The Parking Enforcement Commission for Brighton and Hove that they are not allowed back to perform in Brighton or surrounding areas.

The Brighton leg of their ‘Brighton and Belarus’ tour has now been cancelled by the band for refusing to pay fines dating back to June of 2011, when they trio were last here. The parking Enforcement Commission for Brighton and Hove have told the three piece group that their tour bus was parked on Madeira Drive for five days with no evidence of having paid and displayed. 

The band, who have hits like, “Sins are only bad because the Lord gets Jealous” and “You might be able to out run a milk float but we’re driving a sledge pulled by your mother and her friends,” were due to perform at the Concorde 2 on the 27^th February. This date has now been cancelled indefinitely.

Brian Fodicate, from the Parking Enforcement Commission, has said that although they cannot legally ban the group from coming to Brighton, they have imposed a law which states that their vehicle cannot be stationary for more than 30 minutes at a time. He said:

“They can either pay the fine or come to Brighton, perform the gig and have one of band move the vehicle every half hour to ensure they are not in violation of the law. It’s their choice.”

The band have made no comment but have said they will offer a full refund if any tickets are bought to their gig.

Ready to Cause a Flap: Seagull Museum Opens

A Brighton woman has opened the first seagull museum.

Henrietta Gwilliams, 46, who lives in Moulsecoomb with her cat Alfonso, has an array of items including collecting seagull ornaments, wall hangings, books, taxidermy seagulls and other collectable items for the past five years. She has over 500 individual pieces and with such a large collection has decided to open her own museum in her home to showcase everything she has acquired. She has even made her own seagull documentary which is on repeat as visitors go round.

When asked why she had such a fascination with seagulls, she said:

“I don’t really, I’m more fascinated by feathers to be honest. But I couldn't open a feather museum. That would have made me look loopy.”

Ms Gwilliams, who has never been married and is currently single, had the idea to start collecting five years ago when she was wondering round a car boot sale and saw a stuffed seagull in a glass chamber.

“I really liked it and the feathers looked so wonderful. I had to have it. Then I grew to really love the gull, so I wanted more.

“Initially it was just a few bits here and there but eventually I was buying something nearly every day.

“Now I have so much that I wanted to show it all off. Plus, seagulls have had really bad press recently. I wanted to show people that they are actually quite wonderful birds.”

The museum has four rooms and is open from Monday to Friday, 9-6 and weekends from 10-5. There is even a gift shop at the end where visitors can buy a memento. Ms Gwilliams has tied to approach local schools to offer 50% off for trips but she has yet to be allowed in the gate.

All Boules Behind The Bid

BHAPOB announce their bid to host the 2025, Pensioners World Boules Championship.

The Brighton and Hove Association for Pensioners Outdoor Boules (BHAPOB) has announced today their plan to host the World Boules Championship in 2025. The council have given them a lump sum of coppers to refurbish the current boules pitch, located in Rottingdean in Brighton.

Debora Chandler of BHAPOB gave an exclusive interview with the The Arnus where she expressed her great confidence in the bid, saying:

“We have a fantastic chance to really put Brighton on the map. We have some great facilities including a wheelchair ramp to the pitch and two toilets that get cleaned most weeks.”

The club currently has three full time members and a further three who juggle the club around their commitments to hospital check-ups.

Since it was established in 1994, BHAPOB has had over 50 members join to play weekly games and at its peak hosted three games every Saturday. Since then it has dropped down to two games a fortnight but Deborah is hoping that this will reignite interest in the club. She went on to say:

“We understand that the championship is 10 years away and many of our members are quite elderly, but we are hoping to grow the membership between now and then so we have people to follow up on our initial proposal.”

The Pensioners World Boules Championship Committee will begin the decision making process in two years time when the bid is officially offered out for tender. 

Sussex Man Thinks He’s Quacked It

A man from Peacehaven believes he can now talk to ducks after an operation on his voice box.

Derek Ferdinand, a 57 year old taxi driver from Brighton, believes that since his operation to remove a cancerous lump on this throat four months ago, his voice has ability to echo more accurately sounds of a duck’s quack.

The operation has left Mr Ferdinand with a tightened larynx which had partly strained the airflow up the vocal track. This tightening has then resulted in giving Mr Ferdinand a more strained register to his speech.

“It’s not uncomfortable or painful” says Mr Ferdinand. “But it has given me ability to copy a duck’s quack.”

When asked how he realised he had the ability he said, “I always liked doing impressions of animals, farmyard mostly, but I always struggled with the Duck. Now I have it spot on.”

But his new talent hasn't come without cost. “I used to be able to do a fantastic horse impression but it’s just not the same anymore. To successfully Neigh, you've got to have a clear vocal sound in order to wobble like horses do.” He added, “Although I could do a good impression of a horse, I could never talk to them because they didn't respond. My duck call is now so accurate that I am learning duck calls and they actually respond. You know, for food and danger and that.”

The claim has yet to be scientifically analysed so experts have been called in to validate the effectiveness of the quack. Ferdinand assures that he is successful about three out of 10 times. However this ratio is becoming more convincing month on month.

Since the operation, Mr Ferdinand has been practicing on his taxi fares and says he has received some really positive feedback. So much so that he plans to write a picture book about his story and hopes that it will encourage children to flock to the one park in Brighton where you can see a duck.