Public Outrage! Brighton Declares Makeup Free Zones

Certain parts of Brighton are to be declared as makeup free zones as a protest against cosmetic products.

The law, which was speared headed by a group of radically unattractive women, states that there will be a ban on people wearing makeup in certain parts of Brighton during certain times in the day.

A representative of the Foundation Against Foundation (FAF) group, said:

“We should all look natural. We were made this way and we should stay this way.”

Surprisingly, the council have given a small sum of money to start the project which is expected to come into effect from Friday. It is expected to be ignored shortly after.

The people behind the movement are, largely, very unattractive women who appear to think they have the right to tell people that they shouldn't wear makeup. In a strange new development, unattractive women with low self-confidence appear to have been given authority to tell people how they should look. Before now, it was commonly thought that women who have confidence issued would want to support each other. Instead, they will be handing out “cutting eyes” and “screwing them out.”

The prohibition does not exclude men. They will be treated with scowling stares and may even be subject to ‘sly comments’ if they are caught wearing makeup.

The zones and time restrictions will only be available in the FAF newsletter, which is not being displayed anywhere relevant. 

The general public are being advised that if they see any unattractive people staring at them, to simply apply more makeup and give them a hug, until the makeup starts to rub off on them.  

“Rollin' Into Retirement"

Brighton has been voted as ‘the town in the UK where a middle aged man is most likely to take up rollerblading.'

News broke yesterday of Brighton receiving the award from Mid-Lifestyle Magazine, a publication that started yesterday with this being it’s only article.

The Vice Mayor of Hove, Jacqueline Fillcross, was the only person available for comment at such short notice and, in a confusing statement, she said:

“This is a thrilling accolade and one which we are proud to show off.”

Someone not in welcoming the news is Stuart Waddington, owner of Skate-Away in Brighton , who is white with dreadlocks, saying that his key demographic of 14-18 year old boys will now be put off buying news skates if they think their Dad will want to “shred some concrete” with them.

However sales for rollerblades in the over 40’s are expected to rocket by 1.4% over the next year. The same percentage rise is expected in hospital admissions for injuries caused by rollerblading in men over 40.

Putting Brighton in Perfume Bottle

Brighton and Hove is set to become the first town or geographical location to launch its own fragrance.

It was announced today that Brighton and Hove will launch their own fragrance. Scientists at the 

Institute of Scented Research (ISR) in Brighton have been set the task of creating the fragrance that is expected to ready for sale in Autumn 2018, once all of the non-animal testing has taken place.

The fragrance itself will be unisex, available to everyone on the gender spectrum. Following on from a poll of the most identifiable scents of Brighton, the top five results are below:

5) The Lemon Bus

4) Student Loan

3) Chips

2) Beach BBQ’s

1) Sea Mist

It has been funded by Brighton and Hove council and has projected sales somewhere between Kim Kardashian’s Glam and Dora the Explorer's Eau de Toilette with all revenue from sales going back to the council.

This latest move may be the council’s attempt to come up smelling of roses after the incident at Hove Park but it seems to be doing the trick. Brighton has been in a frenzy with interest in the fragrance and there is yet to be an official name given to the fragrance yet. The name is expected to be revealed over the coming weeks.